A Bright Past

I wish you were still trapped by time, A happy decaying memory

What was
is now
will be
attenuated

So Far Quebec City

L.D.

"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends up by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance."
-Oscar Wilde

Little Monkey at The Side of the Road: Where Have You Been?

ToDay.. I am stuck at home.

I could go on a long, tumultuous rant about my detest for mechanics
but instead, i will spend my energy plotting to kill them...

"So.. uh...", (insert ball scratching motion here), "u're (something)-belt is gonna go, u gotta a leaking gasket, blah blah, ur breaks are going, blah blah, ur (something)-water tank is leaking, blah blah.....".
This all continues until the climax, grand total estimation, of $2000 is announced.

C-girl Translation:
All of the above is silently destroying my car from the inside out. If left unchecked, this rot will, suddenly and mercilessly, make my car stop working; potentially killing me in a fatal car accident if only I am fortuitous enough to be caught in high traffic at the time.

C-girl's fantasy response:
"Are you out of your fucking trees?"
The heads of all the mechanics in the room suddenly implode, with tidy little *POOFS*, proceeded by the slow delicate trickle of their brains, running down their greasy chests, to the floor.

"Excuse me, but my car came in here working perfectly fine. I just wanted you to make sure all was fine and dandy for a road trip... u know: fill the fluids, wiggle the hoses, ect ect, and you're now trying to tell me that i need two grand worth of work??????!!!!!!!!*****"

Speechless Resolution.
OK.
I'm Done.

Why Cable TV Makes Me Wish I Could Perish in A Car Accident

Inside a sphere
Inside a fold
Inside a crinkle

Lived a spark
Herald-hark
Express as air

Inside a sphere
Inside a fold
Inside a crinkle

Upshot a load
E-threshold
One sizzled hair

Inside a sphere
Inside a fold
Inside a crinkle

Came forth a blast
Iconoclast
Thank God: A spare

Axiom

It does burn bi fold.

Intensity-actuality.

Naked incandescence.

Adulteration

Here we are at the edge.
Step up
Step off
Jump over

Past the light is blindness
Jube-jube love
Crimson lie
Ashen lust

Im fucking tired of stagnation.
Putrid lives
Pointless drive
Impelled decadence

Meridian

humidity
wet earth
evergreen

Elixir-perfume

Sun-heat
salutary breeze
amaranthine sky

Contented exhaustion.

Scintillating moment.

Concrete ubiety.

Adore-serene.

Will you come again?

Inopportune Independence

Adamant, strong, rigid:
The Vacillator.

Vulnerable, exposed, denuded:
The Boy.

Artfully crafted,
Abominably crippled.

Power:

My Tormentor.
My Lover.
My Friend.

Disillusioned Enchantement

So a day in time passed where i finally felt like some part of this definition of adulthood might apply to me.

On my birthday my mother says in passing:

"Don't be a pessimist." - Serious tone, concerned expression-

The dual translation shooting out of her head being that i shouldn't become a bitter hag (note: her pause to look at Power) especially not in front of the man I'm sleeping with.

I ignore the archaic nuances and reply:

"I am not a pessimist. I am a realist.
I don't want to submerge myself in escapism."

Enters thought:

~No, I simply want to complain incessantly about the people who do~

Lightbulb.

Action-Reaction

Hi.
You ever have a moment where you know ur face is revealing what a dork you are.
You are not jaded, cool, and and emotionless.
You are not passionately subsided.
You are simply a reaction to an action;
an endless pool of waves;
a blank canvass filled in by the moment,
encompassing a web of associations;
moments of the past,
desires of the future.

Anyways,
So i am pretty much riding the wave.
Not going towards anything,
not moving away from anything.
And it's kind of nice, kind of boring,
kind of driving me nuts.

I like you, But I Don't Miss You When You're Gone

Shield: scratched and tarnished by the indignities of foreign tongue.

Subsistence: warm outer layer, adamantine core.

Emaciated heat,

My erection cools.

The Buisness of Breathing

There has to be a point to all this madness.
And if the point is the madness; that sparks and dies
And the spark is it
and the death is it
Then the moment is only good while it lasts
Because everything fades and is forgotten with time.

Scintilla

Peachy colored wall, peeling paint.
Red earthy gravel, stained white door frame.
An open doorway, an impartial darkness.

This is where things end.
This is where things begin.

Finite moment, infinite impression.

Slav*cough*WORK!

*SINGS*

"Oh, i think i got a job that pays ok
Chained to a desk i'll work all day
Life and time will slip away
Oh, i got me a job and the pays ok."

Why am I so afraid of Silence?

Dark room.
Grey Walls.
Stone door.

Sun glare.
Green fields.
Blue sky.

I would walk along that grey pavement forever.
I would raise my hands and feel the wind on every inch of my body.
I would thank the universe for this moment of existence.

In a dream, there would be nothing.
In a dream, there would be no clothing.
In a dream, there would be no language.

In my world there would only be bright colours
In my world the lions would grooms their paws
In my world the vultures would never land

I am a woman,
Thorned green vine exploring.

You are a stranger,
Smooth blue vine expanding.

The world will end and there will only be moments.
The world will end and there will only be grey.
The world will end and there will only be colour.

I see
I want
I feel.

Pessimism or Realism?

The Poor to Middle Class Life:

30% Sleeping
45% Working
25% Addicted to one form of crutch or another; the delusion of pleasure; numbing of the mind who's screaming how retarded this system is.

Whatever the next life is, i want a hella bigger piece of pie towards sleeping, dammit.
I'm moving to Denmark- at least they know what's up.

Quiet Mind, Passive Soul?

Sunshine, green, scent of renewed life: I'm happy.

I think this was the longest winter of my life.

Today i sat on the porch with some cereal and just watched the backyard.
We have squirrels in our trees and those little buggers are hella daredevils.
Bees, birds, mosquitoes; the yard is a busy place.

Cable lines overhead, streamlining through tree branches, connecting the houses to a common source; takes u out of nature's squishy embrace for just a moment... but then, "whatever, better than nothing".

Saturday: aka first time on a plane again in FOREVER!
Looking forward to airport buzz; the airport people, the airport smell...

Looking forward to the take off, the crappy pork-by-product containing snack, the landing.

Looking forward to some hard work, back breaking lifting, partying in an previously-unvisited town, and a luxuriously long road trip home.... where i get to be the passenger!

Could I ask for anything better out of a May long weekend?

Probably not.

Unless the unnamed stranger-by-time-friend had come to town.
That, mayhaps, could have been a bit more interesting.

Times too Sure to Tell

This past weekend was a gong show.

Strange what life becomes when u listen to ur little voice more often than not.

This is a different place.
Very neutral,
very fragile,
very new and yet somehow calm.

I feel like the elephant tip toeing around a mouse.

Our neighbour is interesting.
She noticed me taking Sativa for a walk and came out to talk to me.
I believe she has a mental impairment, but she seems nice enough.
Joss thinks it might be a intravenous user issue.
She has two cats and doesn't let them out because, as she informed me, the previous tenant of the house had had an outdoor cat that was shot by someone in the neighbourhood with a bb gun.
I assured her that Sativa was safe with me, and i definitely would not be letting her out by herself.

I miss Mr. T.
He broke up with his gf right before i moved out.
I feel guilty leaving him all alone.
I guess I'm worried about him, he's pretty sensitive.

Met someone interesting.
No idea if there's any potential for locomotion, but we'll see.

A Good Place To Be

Katamari-like atmosphere.

My house, but i'm not the ruler.
Enormous Fishtanks, side by side, connected by downstream cascaded waterfalls.
Larger than life fish.
Baby fish.
Fish with too many eyes.

A room like an immense warehouse
Endless columns and rows of cages, stacked on top of each other
Filled with every age of every big cat in the world.
The babies have free range.

Keeper and caretaker
One of two, and the other is not found.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Killing Me Softly

Change sneaks in between breaths
Days mere moments in between dreams
Tomorrows a light hearted delusion of the young
Time concurs.

Possibly Maybe

"your flirt finds me out
teases the crack in me
smittens me with hope

possibly maybe probably love

as much as i definitely enjoy solitude
i wouldn't mind perhaps
spending little time with you
sometimes
sometimes

possibly maybe probably love

uncertainly excites me
baby
who knows what's going to happen?
lottery or car crash
or you'll join a cult

possibly maybe probably love

mon petit vulcan
you're eruptions and disasters
i keep calm
admiring your lava
i keep calm

possibly maybe probably love

electric shocks?
i love them!
with you dozen a day
but after a while I wonder
where's that love you promised me?

possibly maybe probably love

how can you offer me love like that?
my heart's burned
how can you offer mer love like that?
i'm exhaused
leave me alone

possibly maybe probably love

since we broke up
i'm using lipstick again
i'll suck my tongue
as a remembrance of you"

-Possibly Maybe, Bjork

I Bite My Lip in Remembrance of You

Broken, broken.
Cracked through the center
Spun silk and ragged glass
There is, after-all, an ending

Sugar coated flesh
A dove lost and covered in ash
Impossible chords
There is, after-all, a beginning

The Pleasure Is All Mine

Yes, i do plan on eating all of those frogs. So take a flying leap!

Dream Confirmation:
-moving home is NOT a good idea
-moving in with gf IS a good idea
-temporary to moving out of province

Mim said it would happen- didnt believe her until now.

And thine said on to me:
-write- or die
-paint- or die
-run- or.. well, you get the picture.

Wow.. so what else is there.
Oh ya, the other dream.
I really feel bad for her, but wish her the best.
When your best friends are a pack of sharks... there isnt much room to swim.
But CELEBRATE.
All is not lost, and there will be a happily ever after.

There's Something Deep Inside, that's telling you that love is so much more. This is just a man's world.

I'm bum'ed.
And not cuz I've been sitting on my bum for so long.

*Deep Breath*

OK.. so a couple of weeks ago one of my fish got sick.
It was "mean-orange-silver-male".
He was always kind of a prick, always pushing the other fishies around.

but still... he didn't deserve the pain.
He got pop-eye... and little did i know this actually entails a fishes's eye popping out.
I medicated ardently to no avail... the eye was one day just.. gone.
Thereafter he was called "one-eye".

Seriously, though. It sucks.
And what can you??
I guess some people kill their fish when things like this happen.
But i couldn't, I'm ashamed, but i was too weak to kill him.
Mr. T wouldn't even kill him for me... he thought we should let the little guy die of natural causes.

So he swam around... disoriented and one-eyed for about a week.
He put up a good fight, and at one point I thought he would even prevail and adapt to the challenge of his new handicap.
But no..
Today he was really weak.. he was barely swimming at all.
And when i went to feed them... he was gone.

I know I'm a freak and it's a fish- but it was painful to flush him.
I'd been taking care of him for more than a year... and to terminate this relationship with the finality of a "ceremonious" flush... well that seems so crass.

Anyways....C'est la vie... et la vie efin, pour lui au meme, est fini.

RIP One-Eyed.

Chained to the desk, I Study

I Study.

I eat a timbit.

I study.

I drink coffee.

I study.

I read blogs.

I study.

Wednesday is the end of it.

I study.

I am actually going to miss it.

Adrogyny: The Roles of Men and Women

"MOST

societies promote instrumental traits in males and expressive traits in females; this has led some theorist to belive that gender roles are a part of the natural order of things; a product of our evolutionary history.

YET:
there is a huge difference accross cultures in what people expect of boys and girls.

Case Study: Three tribal societies of New Guinee, Mead (1935):

-Arapesh tribe:
BOTH males & females taught to be cooperative, nonaggresive, and sensitive to the needs of others. (typicall considered to be the "feminine" behavioural profile by Western cultures)

-Mundugumor tribe:
BOTH men and women taught to be assertive, aggressive, and emotionally unresponsive in interpersonal relationships (a "masculine" pattern of behaviour by Western standards)

-Tchambuli tribe:
Males--> taught to be passive, emotionally dependent, and socially sensitive
Females--> taught to be dominant, independent and assertive.

Members of these three tibes developed in accordance with gender roles that were SOCIALLY prescribed by their culture, NOT pre-programed through bioevolutionary history."

Are there advantages to being adrogynous?
(having the gender role-orientation which incorporates a large number of both masuline and feminine attributes)

Some theorists think so: Adrogenous Men & Women:

-tend to behave more flexibly than more traditionally gender-typed individuals. (Bem, 1975, 1978)
-seem to be more highly adaptable, able to adjust their behaviour to the demands of the situation at hand. (harter et al, 1998).
-adrogenous children & adolescense appear to enjoy high self-esteem and are perceived as more liable and better adjusted than their traditionally gender-typed peers. (Allgood-Merten & Stockard, 1991)

-adrogenous couples are more satisfied with their intimate relationships than traditionally gener-typed couples are (it was the feminine component of adrogyny that best predicted relationship

When i adopted Sativa, i was in the middle of taking one of many Learning and Behaviour psychology classes. Needless to say, it was the perfect opportunity to put some of what was floating around in my head to good use. I tried a bunch of operant conditioning on her, shaping ect, and let me tell you, my professor was only partially right when he said that cats are impossible to train. I dont completely disagree, but with a lot of dilengent practice i was able to take her for walks as you would a dog. However, there is definitely a LOT more attitude to deal with than you would ever have to with das snouzer.

Now, everyone google "priming" and be afraid... be very afraid, as you are bombarded with advertisement daily on so many levels (dun dun dun). Anyways, my most favorite professor ever, Dr. Snyder, once put it elequently when he compared this quandary with Star Wars:
Some psychologist go over to the dark side, some stay on the light side: how will you use the force?

Clamorous Befallings

A "turkish-man-from-another-land" once pointed out to me that i have the bad habit of interpreting things in a very "black-and-white" fashion. He was right.

Case and Point:
I've recently been looking into religion... well i suppose you could say I've been curious my whole life, but it is now more of an active investigation to acquire some actual in-depth knowledge. I can be told things, read things, hear other people voice their opinions, and come to believe that i have a pretty strong opinion on a matter; but the only thing that ever truly makes something stick and resonate, for me anyways, is a first hand experience with the issue.
It's more about the impressions that the people give me about how they treat each other and the rest of the world; this, more than anything else.

My Dad's family, well the generation before him anyways, are pretty hard core Catholic. I guess several of my grandpapa's siblings became priests and nuns. Highlights of my memories of Catholicism + catholic school involve:
-going to church as a class every Friday
-having my toe crushed under a kneeling bench with 20 kids standing on it and screaming out in a huge church, during a huge mass
-having to pray "Johnny apple seed-amen" before eating lunch
-making myself puke chocolate milk when my grandparents tried to force me to church
-and a general sense of being scared, judged for everything, and having to feel guilty all the time...

Recently, my mom went in to a little about how the sisters, my dad's aunties, had devoted their whole lives to helping people in Haiiti. This sort of clicked-on the fact that once again my black-and-white view had reared its ugly head: I can't trash talk that kind of altruism on any level...besides maybe seeing it from the stereotyped view of "missionarism" being about forcing, or bribing people into a religion through the offer of help. I've come to believe that for the sisters, and possibly for many people doing that kind of work, it is not a matter of coercion.
Still, catholisism is definitely not a religion that i have personally found any inspiration in.

I've looked into Buddhism for awhile, and as one of my chinese Buddhist-Christian co-workers once pointed out to me: Buddhism is more of a way of life than a religion. I am reading every Dali lama book i can get my hands on--> way too cool about how a lot of ancient Buddhist theories are comparable to modern day physic views on the world.

I had a brief encounter with the Mormon religion.
My girlfriend Red, and i would call her my most feminist girlfriend, began dating a Mormon man. (Interjection: it is bizar and was especially to see in her, but it's as if when we "fall" a segment of DNA starts to mass produce proteins that mess with our heads and turn us into goo-balls over men.)

To my shock, she began actively looking into this religion. She even bought one of their bibles which, at 60 bucks a book, is a serious purchase for a bible. A circle of Mormon women at the university seemed to pop up and embrace her, like all the pieces were falling in place. I was wary but supportive and kind of curious; I even eventually found myself being dragged to one of the weekly Mormon mixers. I brought my roommate at the time, Jy-bee, because there was no way i was going alone with Red to this gig.

So we get there, and of course me and Jy-bee had decided to have some green prior. (BIG MISTAKE). We're standing on the sidewalk, at the front entrance of the church, and Jy-bee's like;

"No, i cant do this. I cant go in."

I have to admit i was pretty intimidated to go in and be surrounded by a bunch of Mormons too, so to break the ice i yelled out;

" NO! No! Don't convert us!"

Luckily there was only one couple going in at the time and they gave us a strange look, but it was enough to shock Jy-bee into letting me and Red drag her in.
Basically it was like a high school dance for Mormon university students; supervised, awkward non-dancing clusters. Good times for all.

Things didn't work out between Red and the dude. When the group of girls realized that Red wasn't going to convert, even her close friend of the group, dropped her like a hot potato. The Mormon dude had to actually put off his 2 year mission to become "cleansed" because he had ended up confessing to his parents and priest about his and Reds make-out sessions.

Needless to say, that relgion was a big NOPE for me too. I'm not about to judge strange traditions.. whatever, cultures have those too, but to not associate with someone anymore because they chose not to follow your religion: way too hostile for me. Very strange religion...especially the whole bit about reaching different levels and being god of your own planet... i dunno.

So now I've started looking into "Christianity".
I have to say that honestly, that is comparable to saying I've begun to look into the Spanish-speaking-culture, and expecting that this will adequately incorporate the diversity of history, countries, dialects, customs, and mentalities of the people whom could be categorized under this label.

I've definitely been school'd so far, and had my w&b monster shot down on several points. It's a very very personal thing, and i know it's way more than just me looking at what other people are doing. When it comes down to it, I guess the biggest factor for me will be not to want to associate with an organized religious group that choses to promote intolerance and hate through judging the lifestyles of others; whether that be alternate religious choices or sexual preferences.. whatever.

Religious opinions DO have power and DO accumulate in the world. As a direct consequence these judgments cause the lives of many people to be miserable. That's not my scene, i already struggle enough on a daily basis with trying not to be a horrible person and not to hurt the people that are directly involved in my life, let alone on a world-wide-basis.

So i don't know where I'm going, but i have been inspired. I have seen that it's not that simple; a lot of my pre-conceived notions have been blown out of the water. It's been foreign--a lot like exploring another culture; there are words and concepts I'd never even heard of, open minded people living in authentic ways that i didnt even think existed there, and people just trying to make a difference in the world. I've had to redefine the concept of what "religion" means to me because it doesn't even fit the context so easily anymore. Anyways, it's wild.. and kind of exciting.

I'm still really stupid and learning a lot; it's good.
I'm not satisfied with the idea of a cycle of spending my life working to buy things, reproducing, and then maybe partying in my spare time.... that's not enough; it's not even close to being enough.

Originally I started with trying to work on my mind and my body: it makes me feel alive.
I came to realise that if i dont "exercise" my spirituality, that if i leave out doing this, in an active way too, then there's something missing in my life. So that's where I'm at.